“It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it. For if it has withdrawn, being merely beguiled by pleasures and preoccupations, it starts up again and from its very respite gains force to savage us. But the grief that has been conquered by reason is calmed for ever. I am not therefore going to prescribe for you those remedies which I know many people have used, that you divert or cheer yourself by a long or pleasant journey abroad, or spend a lot of time carefully going through your accounts and administering your estate, or constantly be involved in some new activity. All those things help only for a short time; they do not cure grief but hinder it. But I would rather end it than distract it.” — Seneca
Grief. The very word can bring up all sorts of emotions. If you’re experiencing it you may wonder if there is light at the end of the tunnel. Undoubtedly there will be times when you don’t believe there is. Sadness, emptiness, isolation, loss of hope, may be your constant companions. The future may appear too daunting to consider that life will get better.
Grief. Maybe you don’t understand it. Maybe you don’t know what to say to your grieving friend, you don’t know what to do for them. This is entirely normal and common.
In my recent experience when grief has enveloped a close friend it was my honour to sit with them, listen to them, hold space for their pain and suffering. That is not the time for meaningless statements that everything will be ok, that things will get better (even though we know they eventually will) that they should keep their chin up. It is instead a time to quietly demonstrate how much you care about them. If appropriate, direct the conversation to their happy memories, talk about the incredible person their loved one was and how they changed your lives.
The stoic philosophy says “….grief that has been conquered by reason is calmed for ever …” Translated into modern day wisdom this could be seeking out counselling, grief support groups or other support services. It could be as simple as adopting daily rituals that centre us such as time in nature, journalling, reading educational and inspiring material and generally ramping up our self-care – even when it’s the last thing we feel like doing.
I’m not for a moment suggesting this is simple or easy. I am saying that we owe it to ourselves to be kind to ourselves and help nature take its course.